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Friday, May 2nd, 2003
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10:38 am
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i went to visit shuichi yesterday.....his new kitten looks just like tempura....exactly like her....
he looked at me weird when i started crying.
touma just called me stupid!!!!!! IM NOT STUPIOd TOOUMA YOUA RE!!!
tatsuha said he'll steal shuichi's kitten for me. NO I DONT WANT TO TAKE SHUICHIS KITTEN THAT WOULD MAKE HIM SAD!!111111 when i said that he rolled his eyes and then we well im not saying.
current mood:  sad
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(12 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Thursday, April 24th, 2003
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11:36 am
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sorry i havent posted.....tempura is dead!!!!!!!!!!!!! i keep crying. its not fair. she was just a little baby kitten. its just not fair. stupid doggie. -_- crying now!!!11111
ny was fun. i;kk post about it maybe tonight. i dont knw.
touma keeps rollign his eyes at me and being mean. shut up touma what if your kitten died!!!11 youd vcry to.o..
current mood:  distressed
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(14 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Tuesday, April 1st, 2003
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4:33 pm
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WAAAAAAIIIIIII!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH TOUMA GHSAOIEYHI$ROLdi 54uyrf I'm SO HAPPY AND EXCITED NA NO DA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^__________^ Touma gave me a really really really cool present I'm so happy ghjwo8eg2wt!!!!!! But I wanna show Tatsuha-kun first so i'm not posting it in here until tonight!@!!!!!!QQQquf,cmgjkgfjk,mfbv
HAPPY@!!!!@@@@@@@Q
Last night, Ta-chan came over. When I answered the door he started to ask me if he could have his ring back but then he started to cry and turned around to walk away instead. He was crying so much that he tripped and I felt kind of bad because I don't like it when people cry....it's sad. I helped him inside to sit down so he could calm down. I asked him if he needed any of his other things but instead he gave me a hug, and when I felt how warm he was and how familiar it was to be hugging him again....I can't even describe how it felt. It just felt like there was a big huge hole inside of me that was filled again. I guess that's the best way to say it na no da. I heard him say "I need my Ryuichi..." before he got up again and said he was sorry and that he would leave and I deserve better. I felt like that hole was there again.....so I asked him to hug me again. I didn't let go that time......
He kept apologizing and saying that he loved me and wanted me to take him back.....there wasn't any possible way that I couldn't. So we talked about what happened and Ta-chan felt so terrible about it, I just couldn't stay mad at him. I was at fault too. I shouldn't have thrown him out. But I was so upset by what he said that I wasn't thinking. I won't repeat what he said because it doesn't matter, I know now that he never meant it and he just said it out of being angry. But it was something that really hit me hard, so I was very very very angry and hurt and that's why I did that. I was also not at all used to how he was acting. He'd never acted like that to me before. So that's why....so we both did things wrong no da.
He told me when I asked that he didn't know why he was acting like that....but later after we.............WENT TO BED NO DA!!!!!!!!!!!!@@ he told me that it was because it gets very painful sometimes, because he's addicted to cigarettes and he can't smoke them anymore ever. Sometimes he wants one so badly that it hurts a lot. So it made him in a really bad mood and he wasn't thinking at all or even knowing what he was really saying. Poor Ta-kitten....if I knew that I definitely would never have acted the way I did no da. But now I know in case something like that happens again no da. And I'm never ever ever doing that again!!! Ever!!!!! Never ever no da.
I think this made me learn something else though. It showed me how important Tatsuha-kun really is to me. Because last time I thought our relationship was over forever (and that was also because of drugs...-_-) I was very upset too, but it wasn't like this. When that happened Ta-chan was my boyfriend. I did love him a lot then too, but it's different now. He's not just my boyfriend anymore. He's a lot more to me than that.....he's the other half of my life. I guess maybe what happened with the drugs before showed me that I really do truly love him and want him even if he has some problems and needs help, but this showed me that I can't live without him.
I guess when I said that I want my birthday to be like any normal day in my life, I really did get that, ne? ^_^
And none of this is a April Fool's joke either!!!!! ^_^
current mood:  happy
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(6 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Monday, March 31st, 2003
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10:32 am
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I almost forgot...I'm turning 33 tomorrow. I feel like I'm hundreds of years older though.
It's not anything special though...maybe I should just stay home tomorrow. Then again, I don't even like being at home. My condominium feels so lifeless, even though I have eight kittens and a mother cat running around and playing everywhere. It's always noisy and yet it feels so quiet at the same time. I don't get it...but I hate being there now. Maybe I should move to another one. I can only sleep on the couch. The bedroom seems so big that I'm afraid it's going to swallow me up. I can't sleep there at all. So I've been sleeping on the couch.
My singing does not sound terrible either, Touma. It sounds the same to me. I overheard the sound technicians in the studio talking and they said that my singing sounds different now because there's no emotion behind it at all and that I always have emotions in my singing. They said I'm not even Ryuichi. Then I walked past them in the hall and they stopped talking. I think they knew that I heard them.
They're all so ridiculous...of course I'm Ryuichi. Who else would I be?
So...tomorrow I'll be 33. I don't want to celebrate anything. What is there to celebrate? I just want life to continue as it normally would tomorrow...
current mood:  uncomfortable
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(4 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Thursday, March 27th, 2003
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10:43 pm
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I know what just happened, but I'm not crying over it. Why should I cry for you? I'm like the rest as you said. So it wouldn't matter to you if I cried or not. I wonder if that's the reason. Or did I just shut down, like I did with Touma?
It doesn't matter. Because I don't think you even care.
Life goes on anyway, right? I'll sing like always, even if I don't have a muse anymore.
You're free now. This time I'm not coming after you. Because you wouldn't care if I did or not anyway. I'm just like all the girls.
I hope you're happy, wherever you are.
current mood:  indescribable
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(8 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Thursday, March 13th, 2003
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10:36 am
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GRRRRRRR -_-
I'm still so angry whenever I look at Tatsuha-kun and see the bruises on his skin, or the gauze patch on his eye......
I'm too angry to write about what happened yesterday. I'll make Ta-chan do it. He needs to write more in his journal anyway na no da.
Although I got to do something fun that we've never ever done before last night!!! ^_^;;;; I'm too embarrassed to say though. I'll make Ta-chan do that too =D
ARHGHGHGEISOGH4oer8yt8
Still so angry NOBODY HURTS MY FRIENDS!!!!! EVER!!!!!
current mood:  enraged
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(3 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Wednesday, March 12th, 2003
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10:20 am
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Me and Ta-chan are in Kyoto now!! ^_^ He's still asleep of course......he always sleeps so late when he doesn't have to get up for school no da. My cute little sleepy kitten!!!! ^______^
We're going to visit his mother's grave today, then we're going out to lunch since I've never been to a restaurant in Kyoto before. =D Tatsuha-kun always complains and says he hates Kyoto, but I like it! I think it's really pretty. Maybe I'm just so used to the city that I haven't been to the country much...but I like it ^^;; Except for those people that Tatsuha-kun did those gross nasty bad things with...grrrr...-_- I guess people like that are around no matter where you go....although it's definitely much worse in Tokyo, especially in the really bad parts of the city.....I don't live around there though!!! ^_^;;;; I live in a nice place!!!!! In a big condom that's even bigger than Ta-chan's brother na no da.
current mood: happy
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(6 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Monday, March 10th, 2003
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10:44 am
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Touma said in his journal that he'll be back today. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He hasn't gotten here yet and I'm so restless!!!
Me and Tatsuha-kun are going to Kyoto to visit his mother's grave soon. I think we're going to leave tomorrow after work and school na no da ^_^ So I won't be at work for a few days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I'll be back on Monday na no da!!!!!!!!!!!!
current mood:  excited
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(KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Sunday, March 9th, 2003
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10:56 am
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Me and Tatsuha-kun had a fight last night no da....then I read the internet this morning and saw what he wrote and it made me a little sad again. I wonder how long he's felt this way about me. I don't love Touma more than him.....Tatsuha-kun, Noriko, Touma, and Kumagorou are all the most important in my life! I don't love any of them more or less or even equally. They're just all different people who are all important to me in different ways. If it was Ta-chan instead I'd be worried like this and really sad too...maybe even more because my whole house would be so different!
I love Tatsuha-kun so much, but he has such a temper and a way of getting angry about things when he doesn't even understand them and won't try to learn what's really happening >< If I don't want to have sex because I'm too worried about someone else, it means that I'm too sad and I don't like being sad when we do things like that, because then it's not fun! It's not because I'd rather be doing it with them -_- But I don't know why I'm saying this....I know it's my fault anyway. I shouldn't have been so distant from him...it's not his fault that this happened to Touma, so he shouldn't have to suffer because of it. And I shouldn't have told him to go away either. I don't like hurting him.....I'm so mean and selfish sometimes. I hope you can forgive me for what I did to you, Ta-kitten.....
I'm going to find Kumagorou and go for a walk....Kumagorou always makes fun of me when I cry and says I'm a big crybaby. ;_; He's so mean no da. I'm going to buy some riceballs or something for breakfast too, so Ta-chan doesn't wake up hungry and try to eat the kitty cats. Their names are Pocky, Teriyaki, Sushi, Sashimi, Mochi, Tempura, Sukiyaki, and Flan. And Riceball too!!
current mood: sad
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(3 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Monday, February 10th, 2003
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10:20 am
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A few days ago Riceball got outside and got hit by a car ;_;!!!!! Tatsuha-kun went out to find her and came back an hour later with her covered in yucky dried blood and her paw looked really bad. But don't worry!!!! She's okay!!!!! ^___^ Ta-chan took care of her and cleaned her up and wrapped her leg up. He was petting her a lot and cuddling her and yelling at me to be careful with her. Then he tried to hide it by putting her down and stomping away and saying he hates her and wishes she got killed. But too late!!!!! I already know Ta-chan loves her and he can't hide it from me na no da...^___^ I'm so happy no da!! He's finally learning responsibility!!!! Touma would be proud too, if he didn't have that split personality disease =/ I haven't seen Touma at work for days!!!! I wonder where he went. He didn't tell anyone he was leaving or going anywhere no da!!!!!!! Now I don't know where he is and we have to help him and Ta-chan promised he'd help too. That took him a while but he finally said he would. I kept using my cute face na no da! The same face I used on Mama and my teachers and Touma when he's being mean...^_^
I wish Touma could see how Tatsuha-kun is turning out!!!! =/ They don't get along much and hate each other but Touma doesn't REALLY hate Tatsuha-kun he just doesn't like the way he acts. It was the same thing with Shuichi no da. Tatsuha-kun and me had a BIG fight a few weeks ago and it was so terrible. It made me so sad that I didn't even want to write about it. I don't even like thinking about it now, because I hit him...-_-; But since that fight he has been cleaning the house more and taking care of Riceball better. He cooks sometimes too! ^_^ He's better at cooking than me...I can't cook very good. ;_;
I think me and Tatsuha-kun should go look for Touma. I wonder where he could be?
current mood:  working
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(9 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Monday, January 27th, 2003
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1:22 pm
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Touma came over yesterday. He was really confused and then he and Ta-chan got into a fight because Ta-chan said that Touma pedophiled him at work but Touma said NO I DIDN'T YOU'RE SPREADING RUMOURS and it really confused me no da. Then they were yelling at each other and Tatsuha-kun slapped Touma and that made me cry so they stopped. Then Touma suddenly went quiet and then he tried to have sex with Tatsuha-kun again!!! Even though he said that he never did it before!!!!
I know what's wrong with Touma now.....he has SPLIT PERSONS!!!! That has to be it na no da!!!! Maybe it's from too much stress since Touma always does lots and lots of work and is always stressed no da. POOR TOUMA!!!!! We have to help him so his split person goes away no da!!!! He's never had one before in his whole entire life na no da!!!! Maybe it was finally too much.....;_______;
current mood: sad
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(13 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Thursday, January 23rd, 2003
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9:11 pm
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I HATE YOU TOUMA I'M NOT COMING INTO WORK TOMORROW BECAUSE IF I SEE YOU I'LL BE REALLY REALLY REALLY I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL DO!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE HATE HATE YOU HOW COULD YOU
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I HATE YOU TOUMA I HATE HATE HATE HATE TOUMA SEGUCHI FOREVER AND EVER I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!!!111111fhhjkufhtrhjr
current mood: enraged
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(13 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Thursday, January 16th, 2003
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6:39 am
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Ta-chan randomly decided to bleach his hair na no da O_O He's so strange sometimes, but that's why I love him!! ^_^;; I thought he was Yuki in my house at first. x_x; He was tricking me too....I didn't like that, but he said he was sorry. And it looks sexy ^^;; It's a little bit lighter than Yuki's if you actually look at it no da!!! I hope everyone else can tell the difference and not think it's Yuki like I did no da!!!
Now I'm off to shower for work no da!!!
current mood:  sleepy
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(11 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Monday, January 13th, 2003
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4:00 pm
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Ne, as Ta-chan's entry said, I was in jail no da. It was only one night but it was really really really mean and cold and scary and I hated it!!!! He forgot to say though that Tomohito has to be in jail for 25 years!!!! I couldn't even take being there for a day no da!!!
It was very stressful too. We had to go to court and wear really uncomfortable suits!!!!!!! Me and Tatsuha-kun and Touma. Touma was my lawyer. Tomohito's lawyer was stupid and mean. I forgotten that Tomohito's family name was Yoshida until his lawyer said it. Sakuma is my mother's name before she married him -_- That's how bad I hated him and forgot him. Then he came back again. But this time he's put away for a while. 25 years. Because we won the court case, but they also won their plan of getting me in jail because of pedophiling. I'm not a pedophile no da!!!!!!!!!!!! -_- Damn it!!! Sorry about the bad word but...I'm NOT ONE!!! Iwahara, that's the lawyer, he said some really stupid questions too. He asked if I loved Touma back in high school because he looked like a child. NO!!!!!! He also asked if I "tied Tatsuha-kun up so that he couldn't move and proceeded to inflict intercourse on him." That's me and Tatsuha-kun's favourite, we always joke about it now ^_^;;; When Tomohito gets out of jail, I'll be 57 years old. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!!! O_O!!! I'm trying to remember what else he said. He asked if I really pulled Tatsuha-kun into a teacher's lounge and raped him there and broke the table. NO!!!! >_< We did break the table no da. *BLUSH*
But they made me get in big trouble because of some things that they decided made me a pedophile, even though I'm not one. So they put me in jail for a year with bail. It wasn't a year though, it was just a night because Touma paid for my bail na no da!!!!!!! I love Touma lots and lots and lots na no da!!!!!!!! ^_____^ Tatsuha-kun was crying, my poor little baby kitten. And I think Touma was too. Touma doesn't let people see him cry though no da. But he had a chief out and was wiping his eyes with it. I hugged Tatsuha-kun and kissed him and gave him Kumagorou to take care of. He gave me his ring that I gave him to hold on to. Then the meany cop put me on a smelly bus and when I got to the jail place there were mean ugly men screaming!!! And yelling at us all and calling us really mean names!!! A doctor had to look at me to make sure I wasn't sick or had gross things na no da. And he knew who I was, too!!!!! He was being really nice. And he asked me to sign his jacket too ^___^ Then when I left him it was back to screaming meanyheads again -_- I had to take off all my clothes and I didn't want to because it was too embarrassing!!!!! But they made me. And the yelling guy made fun of me because I couldn't get my shirt off because my arm is in a sling and everybody laughed at me...-_- And the shower was really cold!!!!
I met my cell mate in the showers. His name was also Sakuma. He was really really really nice and I thought we were friends -_- He even let me snuggle him when we were in bed because it was really cold. He said the top bunk had bugs in it so I slept in the same bed as him. And he tricked me and said that I would get in trouble because I'm not supposed to sleep in my uniform -_- But he was lying. I didn't know that then. He was being really nice and petting me and he wanted me to tell him about Tatsuha-kun and Kumagorou so I was talking about them. It made me feel better ^_^ But he kept touching me in wrong places and I kept telling him to stop and he said that he knew I liked it but I did NOT!!!!!! Why would I tell someone to stop doing something if I liked it -_- So he grabbed my arms and said that he was doing it whether I wanted him to or not. I was getting nervous and I couldn't move so I kicked him...he let go of my arms so it worked. Then he said he was going to kill me for that and I got really scared so I pushed him off and it made him die. Then I went up into the top bunk and I didn't see any bugs at all. I couldn't sleep, and I was crying a lot because I was really cold and I just wanted Tatsuha-kun to come and give me a hug and make me warm again -_- The next morning he came back to life!!!! O_O And it was really really cold. My uniform disappeared and I got screamed at by the guard because I was too scared the night before to put them back on before going into the other bed. Then they flew up onto my bed. Shingo said that he had to get back at me for what I did to him. I don't know what that means, but he was doing things to me FIRST -_-!!! So I was crying some more but then Tatsuha-kun came!!!!!!! And he said Touma paid the bail so we went home no da. ^_^ I was sick from the cold so he made me some chicken soup. ^_^ He's such a sweetiepie. I love him so much.
Sorry that all my journal entries are so long no da!!!!! ^____^;;;
current mood: happy
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(4 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Thursday, January 9th, 2003
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11:25 am
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I am sorry that I don't always have time to reply to each comment, but thank you everyone who responded to my last post na no da!!!!!!! ^___^ We haven't heard back from the police yet, but me and Ta-chan are doing a little better no da. I still won't be able to sleep very well until we catch that stupid guy though.....I went back to work today at N-G, and everyone keeps telling me I look like I'm sick no da. A couple people said I look dark around my eyes too and asked if I've been sleeping no da. Maybe after I write this I'll take a nap in the lounge no da. I am really sleepy........
Almost all of you who replied said I should talk to K about catching him. I think I will do that no da ^^ Since he used to work for the government or something like that when he lived in America na no da!!!!!!!!! I bet he'll be a lot of help no da ^^; I will talk to him when he comes in to work today and I hope he doesn't try to shoot me for being gone for three days!!!!!!! ;_; He does that a lot even though he's not supposed to anymore because he's not my manager anymore na no da!!!!!! Now he's Shuichi's and Hiroshi's and Suguru's manager so he has to shoot them too no da!!!! But I think he does it because he's used to it. He said it was a "force of habit." o.o How can you force a habit!?!? Habits just happen!!!!! I like the word habit. It looks almost like rabbit!!!!! And it rhymes with rabbit too!!!! If you change the h into a r and add another b it will say rabbit no da ^____^ I LOVE BUNNIES NA NO DA!!!!!!!!!!
I'm very sleepy so I will take a nap in the lounge now. I hope Touma doesn't glare at me for it and I hope K doesn't try to shoot me either!!!!!!! I don't want me and Tatsuha-kun to BOTH be shot no da....;_;
current mood: sleepy
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(6 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Wednesday, January 8th, 2003
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3:21 pm
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I like things to be exciting, but when I say that I mean I like FUN exciting things na no da. Not scary and sleepying exciting. ~_~ And the past week was very...exciting. In the bad kind of way no da.
At least one thing is good, and that is the bad thing I posted about last time is wrong no da. I knew it was. I just had a feeling. And I was right na no da!!! I didn't want to say what it was until we had complete final proof, because that's how rumours and tabloids get started no da. And Tatsuha-kun doesn't deserve to have his life all over magazines and TV and newspapers just because he's with someone famous like me no da. Anyway, the bad thing was that one of his old girlfriends came over with a baby and said it was his. But it was all fake. Tatsuha-kun believed it anyway no da. And he was very very very upset. When she came back the second time, I told her she needed proof and not just saying things no da. She gave me blood tests and stuff. It even looked believable because the tests said it was his baby too! She was also angry and saying some mean things that I won't say here...but they were about Tatsuha-kun's mistakes in the past no da. Even though he's not like that anymore!!! We're the same with that...
Then Tatsuha-kun was even more upset and he got up and shut himself in the bedroom in the middle of the conversation. She stomped out angrily after saying that she'd be back in a week and soon I'll see Tatsuha-kun for what he REALLY is....I already know what he really is no da. It's why I love him so much no da!!!! ^^ So I went into the bedroom, and he was crying, and I felt really sad. I told him he was still my little kitten and that cheered him up no da. So much that he wanted me to dress him in his kitten costume and....................@_@;;;;;; I acted so different then. *^^*;;; I'm usually not so....serious and...forceful.....but he said he really really really liked it no da. >>;;;;
Then we took a bath and did THAT some more, and then went to sleep and I thought everything was fine no da. At least for that time.
Then the next morning the doorbell woke me up. I opened it and Naomi was there!!!! That's the girl's name na no da. She ran into my bedroom and pulled the covers off Tatsuha-kun to wake him up. I put on a robe before I answered the door but he had NO CLOTHES ON!!!!!! O_O!!!!!! And she dragged him out to the living room like that too!!!!!!!!!! He was really embarrassed and tried to hide behind me. She said it was really important. She said that it was all fake and that a man paid her to do that. She said he actually wanted her to give us the baby, but she couldn't do that no da!!!!! She said it was a man who really hated us no da. I knew who it was in an immediate!!!!!!!! -_- She said she really needed the money for rehabilitation, that's why she did it. I took her into the kitchen and told her I would still help her get money for rehabilitation, because it's good whenever someone like that decides they're doing something really wrong and try to get help. I wrote her a check...I forgot how much but it was pretty high. I have lots and lots of money so it's okay ^_^;;; I never mind helping people out no da!!!!! She said goodbye to Tatsuha and left. Ta-chan was really angry and said he was going to cut Riceball up and eat her o_O I wonder why? She keeps licking him in silly places no da ^^;;;;;;;;;; It's so cute though!!!!!! I love both my kittens. Especially my big cuddly sexy one ^^
Ta-chan left for school the next day. I was alone, and lonely, and I couldn't stop thinking about Tomohito. It was him who paid Naomi to do that. I know that for sure. Why does he want to ruin my life again after all these years na no ka? I thought he was dead in the first place no da!!!!!!!!! -_-
It got even worse than that no da...
I took a little nap and woke up when Ta-chan came home no da. He was really happy and excited about his new school. He's already making lots of friends!!!! I knew he would no da ^^ He's so nice and sweet and lots and lots of fun. I went out to the kitchen to greet him no da. He got mad and stomped into the bedroom and then disappeared because I said I want my kitten to be happy. I meant HIM but he thought I meant Riceball no da!!!! x_x And he was gone forever. Then he appeared under the bed covers when I said I meant him not Riceball!!!! And he was happy. So I petted him for a while because he's soooo cute when he purrs at me no da ^___^ Then we started kissing, and...well...*^^*;;;; but not much. Because when Ta-chan started to take my pants off *BLUSH* I heard a loud voice yell "SAKUMA!!!!!!" and I was really scared because when I looked up, Tomohito was standing there!!!!! He broke into our house no da!!!!! He saw what we were doing and he was so angry and looked so scary....Tatsuha-kun was so startled that he fell onto the floor. Then Tomohito yelled "GET AWAY FROM HIM YOU PEDOPHILE!!!!!!" and came forward to hit me. I moved out of the way though, so his fist landed on my broken arm instead and it HURT!!!!!! Ta-chan jumped up and grabbed him, and pushed him against a wall....he told him that I wasn't a pedophile, that we loved each other, and besides, he's 18 now!!!!! He told him to get out. Tomohito looked scared when Ta-chan let him go. Ta-chan is so strong no da. He looked at me, with a really scary look of hatred in his eyes, and he said "You gave Naomi money. You ruined everything. You'll pay for this, you slut." Then he left.
I was so scared, and now Tomohito knows where we live so he can break in whenever he wants. I started crying really really hard, I couldn't talk much and I thought I was going to be sick no da. Ta-chan held me close and tried to make me feel better, and I always feel better knowing he's there with me but.....it doesn't change that Tomohito is back in my life again. And that he can continuously try to ruin it. And do lots more bad things no da. It won't be the same again........
I calmed down some though, and Ta-chan picked me up to carry me to bed no da. Then there was three sounds at once. A gunshot, the glass of my bedroom window breaking, and a loud crack of something hitting my wall. Ta-chan fell to the floor, and I did too because he was carrying me. When I sat up I saw him lying there, his eyes wide with shock and fear, and there was blood dripping down his forehead. I can't even describe what I felt at that minute...just at the thought of him being dead, I felt like...time was slowing down. It was strange no da....
Then I looked at my wall, where there was a hole where the bullet hit....and then I knew, that it missed, it just went past him and hit the wall behind us. But it hit him in the forehead on the way there. And it cut him. I took off my shirt and pressed against the cut to make it stop bleeding. I called an ambulance and we went to the hospital...and Tatsuha-kun had to get it sewed closed na no da. Then he had to get shots to make sure he wouldn't get diseases or something. He hated that part. Poor Ta-chan...
I don't feel safe at home anymore no da. And that's supposed to be the one place where everyone feels the most safe and secure. At their home. But I'm scared to be there. I'm scared to be there alone no da. And I'm scared of windows too now. All of the windows in my house have the shades pulled down over them no da. It used to be bright and full of sunshine. Now it's just dark unless I turn on a light or a lamp no da. What can we do? Tomohito knows where we live and he really can break in whenever he wants to. I couldn't even sleep last night. I'm afraid he'll break in and hurt us when we're asleep...I'm just so scared.
Why does he do this to us? I haven't seen him in years and years and suddenly he's pushing back into my life and doing all he can to ruin me no da. And he's getting closer and closer to reaching that goal. Tatsuha-kun doesn't deserve any of this at all no da. It's not fair. He shouldn't have been shot. He shouldn't have had all those feelings that he did when Naomi was hired to trick him into thinking he had a baby. Tomohito says I'm a gross pedophile and that I'm just using Tatsuha-kun, but he secretly knows how much I really do love and care about him. Because he's doing all these terrible things because he knows that I would be hurt a lot more by him hurting Tatsuha-kun than if it was just hurting me no da.
current mood:  scared
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(10 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Thursday, January 2nd, 2003
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3:06 pm
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Something really bad happened last night na no da......I'm too afraid to even say it. Someone came over to our house last night and told me and Tatsuha-kun something really scary. I don't believe it's true though. I think something is going on no da. So I won't say what it is until I have complete proof no da...
Tatsuha-kun is really sick and upset over it no da. The scary thing that the person said is something about him. He was really really really upset last night after they left no da. All I could do was hug him and tell him that it would be okay, because I would help him, and I'd never ever leave no da. He was shaking so much that I worried he was going to vomit or faint, so I told him we should go lay down. We were on the bathroom floor no da. He was really shocked by that. Like he thought I was disgusted with him or hated him...I would never be.
He fell asleep when we went to bed and I was snuggling him, but I couldn't sleep that much last night no da. After he fell asleep I couldn't hold back my own tears just at the thought of how scared and hurt he was.
This is hard to write because I feel sick no da. Not because of the situation but because of how upset Tatsuha-kun is. Because I don't believe it. It's not just denial...something just doesn't seem right about it. There's a few things I'm not sure about, and when they come back tonight, I think it's tonight no da....whenever they come back, I'll tell them that I need proof of everything they said or I won't believe it. But even if it turns out to not be true, Tatsuha-kun was still so broked by it...and no matter what happens, I'll always be there to put him back together again.
current mood: anxious
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(4 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Sunday, December 29th, 2002
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11:44 am
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On Christmas I went out to get some stuff for Touma's present to Tatsuha-kun (I'll talk about that soon no da). On the way there I saw my father on the street. I guess I should call him my mommy's husband because that nasty man is NOT my daddy na no da. -_- We got into a fight and he said a lot of mean things. He kept saying that I just use everyone because I'm a yucky old guy and a pedophile no da. And he kept saying that I was really bad, and he was a good parent, and he should have beaten me even more so I wouldn't have turned into a "fag pedophile" who did....THAT with lots and lots of people. I don't DO that anymore!!!! That was years ago na no da!!! And he's so stupid because he doesn't know that maybe I did that BECAUSE he beat me a lot!!!! He kept saying mean things about me and Tatsuha-kun about how I'm older than him and he's a kid no da. He said "I punish my kids by beating them, and you punish yours by fucking them" -_- I hate him so much no da. And he kept shoving me around and hitting me and being really mean!!!!! I told him that one day he'd be all alone, and then he'll wonder why everyone left but it'll be too late!!!!!! He screamed that I was gonna regret that, and that I better watch my loverboy's back (that means Tatsuha-kun)!!!!!! Then he stomped away. I don't know what he means no da!!!!!! He wants to do something really bad and I don't know what he's going to do. But I can't stare at Tatsuha-kun's back every single second no da!!! What am I gonna do.....I hate him no da....-_-
HOEEEEE!!!! Touma gave Tatsuha-kun a baby kitten for Christmas. She's little and fuzzy and has lots of different colour stripes. They're brown, black, and grey!!!! And she has white too. She's so cute!!!! And little!!!! Ta-chan seemed really mad. I dunno why!!!! I'd be sooooooo happy if I got a kitten na no da!!!! Touma said that it would teach Tatsuha-kun how to be responsible. Ta-chan didn't like that. He said he was an adult so there was nothing wrong with sitting around the house. Nobody I know does that!! How can you sit around a house anyway O_o Houses are really big na no da!!!!!
We tried to come up with a name when we were walking home no da. Tatsuha-kun said her name should be Go Away You're Annoying And Smelly. That's a really long name for a KITTEN na no da!!!! XD So he came up with some other names that were yucky but one of them was cute. Riceball!! So our baby kitten is named Riceball no da. He wanted to fry her up in soy sauce and eat her but NO!!! NOT THAT KIND OF RICEBALL!!! Ta-chan is such a meanyhead. He didn't even thank Touma for his present no da!!!
Ta-chan got Touma something really weird that I'm not going to say no da. It's too embarrassing. But he told me when we bought it that it was a vegetable cutter. -_- And then Touma told me what it really was and I felt really really really stupid so I ran outside no da. I lied and said that I wanted fresh air but Tatsuha-kun came outside anyway. And he hugged me and kept saying he was sorry. Ever since Ta-chan was friends with that stupid guy I've been feeling and acting really really really weird no da. I get sad and cry or get scared about things that usually don't bother me no da. And I have lots of nightmares about him coming to kill me, or him taking Tatsuha-kun away, or Ta-chan leaving......for lots of things. Because of how yucky and nasty and gross I used to be, or because of how it's easy to make me cry or scared and he doesn't want to be around that anymore, or because I keep ruining his friendships...lots of things.
I hate him....thinking about him is bad, but when he's actually in my life again he ruins me a lot no da. I don't even feel like myself anymore.
current mood: distressed
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(10 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Wednesday, December 25th, 2002
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9:27 am
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MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE NA NO DA!!!! Our living room looks so pretty na no da ^_^ With lots of pretty lights blinking and the tree and all the presents!!! I can't wait for Ta-chan to wake up so we can open them!!!!!!!! But not all of them no da. Some of them are gifts for our friends!!!!!!!
I keep wanting to wake Tatsuha-kun up but I can't!!!!! He just looks too cute when he's asleep, like an angel. (Even though I think he's more of a devil when he's awake na no da ^_~;;;) I really really really love him no da. He's the bestest gift I could hope for this year. He's the first person I dated to move in with me, and I hope he'll be the last because he's not just "someone I'm dating" anymore. He hasn't been that for a long, long time. He's my sexy, adorable, sweet and veryveryvery cute Ta-chan, and he's very tough but has a small, hidden side where he's scared and insecure and unsure about many things. And I think I'm one of very very few people who noticed it no da. It just proves that he's human, and still very young. I hope he stays for a very long time, maybe even forever no da. Though I learned in the past never to think something good you have will last forever, you can only hope and wish for it to.
I should take a picture of Ta-chan when he's sleeping. But then he'll see it and beat me up ;_; A picture's not the same though...it never is no da. Sometimes, I can't sleep, because I'll have nightmares or because I'm too hyper or excited over something no da. And I'll just sit in bed, looking down at Tatsuha-kun and thinking about how sweet he looks when he's asleep, and I'll pet him and remember how soft his hair is and how smooth and warm his skin is. I get an ache in my chest, and sometimes a lump in my throat or even my eyes might water a little, and I'll suddenly be too afraid to fall asleep because I don't want someone to take him away. I have nightmares about that too, him leaving me, and sometimes I wake up to really find him gone and I get scared and feel cold and alone and I'll start crying. Then he comes back in because he wasn't really gone forever after all, he could have just been in the bathroom or getting a drink or woke up before I did to make breakfast or something...and then he'll cuddle me and it'll be all better because then I'll know it was just a dream and I still have my snuggly kitten no da.
I love Ta-chan lots and lots and lots na no da!!!!!!!!! I'm never giving him up or letting anyone take him away. ^_^ He's MY kitten!!
We had lots of fun on his birthday no da. I felt really sad that he broke some expensive things in his collection because of me being a stupidhead, so I gave him mine. ^_^ I gave most of my collection away to my friends, but I still had those in the studio na no da!!!!!!! :D I also got one of my favourite rings polished and cleaned, and engraved on the inside with the words "I love you more than words can describe" in English. I had to tell him what it meant in Japanese because Ta-chan isn't so good at English no da. I should help him learn na no da!!!!!!! And I also got some other things that I'm too embarrassed to say and I wore a bunny costume that was also really embarrassing because it was so naughty but Ta-chan thought it was really really really really really really sexy no da!!!!!!!!!! So as long as he liked it I'm glad no da...*^__^* So we did lots of......not saying.
I hope all my fans in America are having a good Christmas too no da!!!!!!!!!!! ^_______^
current mood: happy
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(7 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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| Saturday, December 21st, 2002
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3:16 pm
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I'm at the studio na no da! I'm on a laptop. We're going on a music show today no da. :D I actually accepted it a few days ago, but with so much going on I forgot to post about it no da. Or tell anyone until last night. Woops!! ^_^;; I hope Touma and Noriko aren't mad at me. See, I make some of the decisions too no da :D Even though I'm not very good at telling people my decision in time...;_; I have a brand new song too that we're gonna play on the show!!!! I can't wait no da!!! All of you be sure to watch it na no da!!!!
I'm still really shocked and kind of scared that my father is still alive. Or my mommy's husband I should say....I don't know my real father. And Tomohito (that's this guy's name) never raised me either. Unless you say hitting me a lot and telling me lots of mean things and hating me because I was made with a guy that Mama loved, not forced to marry...is raising me no da. But I don't!!!! That's not how you raise a kid no da. -_- I'm still scared because he knows where I live no da. But I can fix that no da. And I'm really sad because Tatsuha really liked him before he knew who he actually was......I still think I'm taking all his friends away no da. Even though he said no you didn't!!! But I'm sure Ta-chan will make lots of new friends at his new school!! He was so popular at his old one...^^; Though if any of them are girls they better not touch my Ta-chan unless they're giving him a friendly hug or a kiss on the cheek or something na no da!!!!!
I don't understand it no da. Why did they tell me he was dead if he really wasn't no da? Did he lie to them too? I just remember that while I was in America, I got a letter that said he was no da. I hated him so much then that I never bothered to check and see if it was true or not no da. I wish Mama was still alive...
But I'm not going to be sad no da. I have to be happy!!! I am happy too ^___^ I can't wait until the show. I feel bad that I had to leave Tatsuha-kun on his birthday na no da.....but I promise you'll be cheered up and happy when I come home tonight no da!!! ^____^ I love you so much Ta-chan. *kisu*
current mood: nervous
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(5 thwaps | KUMAGOROU BIIIMU!)
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